For this one: You must get some kind of relief and redemption from your new trainees.
DMVeg (mid-twenties through late life)
Welcome to the Department of Motor Vegetables. I'm sure there are many reasons you all have chosen a job in this field-- no pun intended-- eh? Eh? (ugh, sorry, they make me say that).
BUT whatever brought you to start your career here, I'm willing to bet that you all have one thing in common: You have a passion for helping people. At the Department of Motor Vegetables, our core value is Empowerment. We empower people so that they can empower their produce. Do you know the power of a correctly licensed and maintained motorized carrot? Just one of them can pull a seven hundred pound wagon at seventy miles per hour.
--Almost makes me wonder if the original inventor's lover survived the first prototype. Apparently when the inventor outfitted a carrot with a motor, it was more of a kinky experiment--
Ha! Who just said that. Was it me? Ha! I'm a rascal, aren't I? Don't mind me.
Anyway, yes, we are in the business of empowering people. Motorized Vegetables are the first completely sustainable, semi-organic form of transportation and recreation. The operation of a Motorized Vegetable is a position of great power but also great responsibility. And we are the ones who make sure that everyone is operating their vegetables safely.
Think about this. Every five minutes, someone in the United States is injured by a moving vegetable. True it's usually either a skate boarder who thinks it's cute to double fist two rocket zucchinis-- HA, not so cool with your face all smashed up, are ya punk?
Or then there's the trophy wife who's banker husband buys her a cinderella pumpkin... no license, no reading the instructions-- hey what a surprise! The thing actually ROLLS. They sometimes come in here complaining about their sprained neck but more often than not, they want reimbursement for pumpkin stains on their pretty Disney dress. GOD.
And don't even get me started on the raging alcoholics who try to syphon crude vodka from their potato harvesters-- yeah SUUUUUURE you were just attending to a clog. SUUUUURE.
Take a number pal.
Take a number EVERYBODY.
If I skip a number, too bad.
Take another one.
I got all day and the state doesn't pay me enough to take your abuse just because you're incapable of organizing proper paperwork, or preservation procedures, or YOUR LIFE.
I need to work on customer service skills? I need to be demoted? I have to be stuck in this ghetto, training a bunch of poor bastards who can't find jobs anywhere else? DEAR GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO--
Folks, the Department of Motor Vegetables is hell. It's hell for the people we serve. It's hell for us. The sooner you know that, the sooner you can relax and work your one tool for survival: The fun of gently tormenting people. And this is a whole new world of torment. Motorized VEHICLES? Nothing compared to kinds of headaches you throw at someone who's stupid enough to harness the power of Mother Earth.
Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"