For this one, you must make sure you have a drink before smuggling a friend.
AA (any gender, late teens through late life)
Don't even think about it. You want my help? Take the bottle away from the sink. Give it to me. I am having a drink. One drink. Then I'll take you to safety.
Give me the bottle, Hank. I'll be more relaxed at the boarder. I'll smuggle you right through. But I need to be relaxed. I'm not relaxed, right now. I am NOT relaxed.
Yep I'm an alcoholic. I depend on a drug. What is this, an intervention? You pour my scotch down the sink and then? What? That's what turns my life around? You're HELPING me? Because I-- oh yes-- I have a PROBLEM. What about YOU Hank?
You're a fucking murderer. Manslaughter? Maybe. Depends on who's gets to listen to your story. A confession priest in Tijuana or a white cop in Texas. Maybe I should intervene on YOU. Maybe I should call 911, huh? Maybe prison will turn YOUR life around.
Hank, don't fuck with me and I won't fuck with you. We'll help each other. Give me my drink, I'll give you freedom. Mexico. You know what I'll do? Give me one last drink and I'll go to an AA meeting. I'll do it before I cross back over. I'll do it right there in Mexico. They have AA down there don't they?
Or, hell, maybe I'll just go get some tequila. You don't control me, Hank. You are NOT in fucking control here. Now GIVE ME MY DRINK!
Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes. If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"