For this one, you must get your magic cat back before your home is ruined.
CAT (any gender, early twenties through late life)
Come on out, pancake.
Pancake! Who's kitty... who's kitty... would like some... TUNA!
Pancake: Tuna? Come on out, come on, I know you're in here somewhere--
PANCAKE! COME OUT!
Okay Pancake, I... I'm ready to bargain, okay? If you come out... you can sleep in the bed from here on out. I'm sorry I never full appreciated you. Your girlfriend told me that's the problem. She said
"Would you expect a HUMAN to expect nothing in return for their companionship?"
Yes, your girlfriend started talking. In English. She told me everything about your powers. Her powers. Cat powers. Do all cats really have them? Your girlfriend said she doesn't mind breaking the kitty code. She wants you back. She's moved herself into the house. She pops into thin air every time I try to catch her and... and in the meantime, she's peeing everywhere. Can you come back and make her stop? PLEASE? If this goes on, I might have to sell the place.
She's... she's also pregnant. At least that's what she claims. Are you going to come out NOW? Support your new family?
Okay... you can sleep in the bed, you can have your breakfast at 4:30 in the morning and... and you can lick my hand for up to ten minutes each night... no, twenty...
Ahhhhh, there you are. Thaaaaaank you.
Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"