For this one, you must convince a group of spies that you didn't fake your credentials.
FRAUD (any gender, early twenties through late life)
You all truly ARE amateurs, aren't you? You think I'M a fraud? You think I somehow slipped my way into this organization with no knowledge of the profession? I think your profession-- your whole intelligence operation-- is pathetic. The things you found in my travel bag, my KIT... you were expecting something else? Maybe some infrared goggles? Maybe some high tech earpiece. Maybe my laptop would have a "security block" on it?
Give me a break. Whomever heads your organization? They watch too many movies. A real spy's collection contains NOTHING high tech or high security. A real spy's laptop is something you CAN break into. That's the point. Complete vulnerability... that's what we want the enemy to think. It's not what's in my bag, it's what it all MEANS. Each item has a secret meaning.
The bottle of Febreze? That's a code for "dirty dealings." Anyone in my network will see that Febreze and know exactly what I'm talking about. And a raid will be just around the corner.
All the facebook candy crush activity on my laptop? The activity you can hack into so easily? What's another word for candy, my friends? Drugs! Anyone in my network will see that candy crush activity and a raid will be just around the corner.
And the power bars and the banana? They... they... well I won't insult the little intelligence found in this intelligence organization. You can figure these things out, I'm sure. I'll give you a week. In the meantime, my mission in Martha's Vineyard is two days behind schedule and my flight leaves in three hours. A ride to the airport, a card for my per diem, that's all I ask. Maybe the banana for the road... it's just at the ripeness I like best.
Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"