VORTEX (any gender, early twenties to late life)
Hang on dude, I'm not asking for a bag of day-old leftovers. I am asking for the stuff on your display case. The stuff you plan to be serving people today. What the hell kinda good am I doing the world if I'm eating the day-olds? Nobody wants that crap. I am here to intercept what people ARE going to eat.
Look: You're a kid. You just work the counter, you're just doing your job, I get it. But you should know what you are unleashing onto the world every day. Every person you serve, they're not getting food, they are getting a vortex! And it's sucking them into alternate dimensions without their knowing it.
Have you looked up the history of your product? Goes all the way back to ancient times. They say it's the Jews, but I don't go for that. I don't think they're any more responsible for this than the Brits were for Stonehenge. There was another force at work. Never before had there been an form of food crafted to have just an empty hole in the middle. And for good reason. It's counter-intuitive. The bagel was created as a vortex!
I know what you're going to tell me, "hey, when I, like, look through the hole of a bagel, I just like see, like, the real world on the other side."
And you would be right. Only it's an ALTERNATE reality.
When you bite into a bagel and break the ring, the hole opens up and BOOM you're in the alternate reality. Everything is the same... except just a little crappier. And it just gets crappier the more bagels you eat.
World, after world, after world.
I'm living proof, I've been eating bagels my whole crappy life.
But it's now my sacrifice.
What I'm here to do today is intercept. I'm going to eat the bagels before the other customers do. I don't charge for my service, I just ask that you don't charge me. And if you have the heart for it, I appreciate some harm reduction. Things that cover the hole... they make it a little less powerful. Some egg, sausage, whatever you got. Or just an extra heavy spread of cream cheese?
Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"