Matt's Monoblog

Monologue 245: "Legs" (dramatic, horrific)

8/31/2016

For this one: You must save your romantic partner from getting overtaken by ghosts.

LEGS (any gender, mid teens through early twenties)

[from a seated position]

Jamie don't go out there. The woods. It's wrong, something's wrong. If Johnny went into the woods, we need to call the search and rescue.

Jaime, STOP. Jaime look at me. Look at ME.

I... I can't move my legs. It happened after I went looking for Johnny. I took two steps behind the trees and... and it all started with that smell. You know that smell, right? The campers have been complaining about it. Sort of like ammonia but kind of sweet? That smell was worse than ever. I had to run back out into the sports field, I was gagging.

And then... it was like the smell went away but not into the air. It went DOWN. Jaime, it was like some giant slug, and I could feel it squishing down past my nose, my throat, my lungs, my stomach and then it's just this mush that's sliding down and filling up my legs. And that's when I collapsed-- NO.

Do not try to help me up. Whatever's wrong with me, I don't know if it'll spread to you.

You're safe as long as your away from me.

You're safe as long as you're away from the woods.

Jaime, this isn't a game. I know we let a Johnny go missing. A camper. I know there will be consequences if we tell Boss... if we get search and rescue on this. But search and rescue... they've got a fighting chance in those woods. I don't think the woods wants them. The woods want US. I barely got away. Maybe I didn't, really. Maybe this thing is going to fill up the rest of me.

Jaime, whatever happens to you for losing Johnny... it's at least... workable.

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 244: "A Step Aside" (dramatic, gritty, comedic)

8/30/2016

For this one, you must clear yourself of having let a child disappear on your watch.

A STEP ASIDE (any gender, mid to late teens)

Well, yeah. I stepped aside at dinner. I wasn't trying to ABANDON the campers, like you say... they never go ANYWHERE during dinner hour, especially when it's apple pie night. If Johnny snuck off around that time, I probably wouldn't have caught him even if I WAS there. I mean he was able to disappear at least twice when you were leading morning meeting and you're our BOSS... but, but, BUT:

I'm totally not saying what I did was okay. I just needed a BREAK. We had the whole campfire to run afterwards and then I was going to be up all night finishing the costumes for the arrival day show... I'm not saying it was the right thing to leave the dining hall. I just needed a breath of fresh air. Some time to myself. I was just trying to keep sane.

But I'm not saying I've been INSANE. I'm fine. I WAS fine. I'm obviously upset. I SHOULD be upset. Johnny's missing. That's BAD, I get it. I'm just saying...

Okay, look: You want to know the truth, here's the truth. I'm pissed. I'm pissed at YOU. Steve, you're our BOSS. You're the camp DIRECTOR. Why weren't YOU there during the final dinner? You told us, you'd TRY to make it. Steve, you've been doing that all summer. Every evening activity, every rest hour. ALMOST every morning meeting.

"I've got something I need to attend to but I'll try to make it."

And you've never told us WHY. We have guesses... we catch sight of you in your office, on the phone, pacing around, sometimes shouting. It's the divorce, right? RIGHT? No, no, no... because it IS my business. I think so. Yes.

Steve if you were letting personal stuff affect your attendance ALL SUMMER, then I don't think I should be shamed for FIFTEEN MINUTES of grabbing some personal time with Shane--

[pause]

Uh... okay. Okay, I...

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 243: "Hey Ghost" (comedic, horrific)

8/29/2016

For this one, you must prod your psychic co-counselor into negotiating with a ghost.

HEY GHOST (any gender, mid teens through early twenties)

Oh for stupidy-stupid-STUPID! They're stupid, Iris, STUPID.

"Oh, there's no ghost in the camp... The kids are just seeing things because Johnson put NON-ORGANIC apples in the pie tonight. Ya!"

[raspberry noise]

Or whatever stupid excuse the other counselors are making up in their dumb-dumb heads. You can see the ghost, I can see the ghost. Thirty CAMPERS can see the ghost. So, um, gee, I gueeeeess... hey! There's FRIGGING GHOST. I think you and I are correct to be... SCARED.

So what's the responsible counselor-thing to do? Hm, well, the safety of the CAMPERS might take a priority, doncha think? Right!

So, I suggest we find it and TALK to it. Well, I find it and YOU talk to it. Because you probably know how to do that. You've got intuition. I'm serious. You've got intuition. I, on the other hand, have some dumb willingness to put myself in danger-- hence wanting to find the ghost-- and I have some extremely fluffy training in "non-violent" communication. What am I going to say?

"Hi Mr. Ghost, I want you to know that I feel scared when you scare me. In the future, could you not scare me? I'm also open to your feedback on the situation."

[raspberry noise]

What we need to say is: "Hey! Mr. Ghost! Your scaring us. FUCK OFF!"

Or something like that. You can find a nicer way to say it. Maybe in Latin or something, a ghost would appreciate that, I think.

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 242: "Six Word Monologue III" (gritty, dramatic, horrific)

8/28/2016

For this one: You have six words to convince someone to save you both from suspicion.

Six Word Monologue III (any gender, mid teens through late life)

Cut me.
Otherwise, they'll know.
[pause]
Now!

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 241: "Hop" (comedic, fantastical, gritty)

8/27/2016

For this one, you must save yourself from government experimentation by teaching other people your gift.

HOP (any gender, mid-teens through late life)

Aaaaaand hop: Now pump- p-

[pause]

Okay, good try though. Don't get discouraged. It seems impossible, at first. But trust me... let's try it again. Round two:

Aaaaaand HOP! Pump! pump!
HOP And pump-

Okay, stop a sec. Lemme see if I can-- guys, can everybody stop a sec? Stop hopping. I know it's frustrating. You see me do it and it looks so easy. And, I mean it IS easy. For me. My body just kind of understands. So we just need your bodies to understand. Lemme help you visualize, okay?

Flying... it's not like superman where you just lift off. It's a process. It feels like climbing. At least the beginning part. It's like... it's like hopping on a stair master. The steps are pressurized. That's what pumping the air under your feet should feel like. So don't think "HOP! WOOSH!" Think "HOP! PSHHHNK- PSHHNK- PSHHNK!"

Now what's going to happen is that each pump, each PSHHHNK... it's going to take you exponentially higher...
two feet
becomes four feet
becomes eight feet
becomes sixteen feet

And then you're in a position where you can start to push sideways and glide and... but, don't think about that. Let's start with some pumps. Think PSHHHNK! Okay.

Aaaaand HOP- PSHHNK!
HOP-PSHNK, PSHNK!
HOP- PSHNK, PSH...
Okay just get some air, under those feet, I think you need more air. Really HOP.
Aaaand HOP
AAAAAND HOP
AAAAND-fuck. FUCK!

Guys I know you can do this!

I'm not the only one. I KNOW I'm not the only one. You just gotta believe in yourselves. Don't focus on ME. I'm not a miracle. I'm not special. That's what the government thinks... we've got two days to prove to them that this is just normal. I'm not the only one who can fly, I'm just the first. Now do this for yourselves. You can FLY.

And if you don't believe in yourself, then do it to save my ass. Keep me from being a government guinea pig. I'm normal. And you'll be normal. Think "normal"

Aaand....

HOP- normal!

HOP- NORMAL!

HOP- NORMAL! NORMAL! NORMAL!

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 240: "Seeing Things" (horrific, dramatic)

8/26/2016

For this one, you need to convince a co-counselor to let you stay up one more night.

SEEING THINGS (any gender, mid to late teens)

Okay, so I'm seeing things. It's not like I crashed the camp van. I did everything right. I saw a person lying in the road. I put on the brakes. Might have been a bit sudden. Okay.

But if there HAD really been body there, I would have done the right thing. Nobody got hurt. Maybe some whip lash. But we all made it back to camp in one piece. We all made it back in time for rehearsal. Which we needed. Which we need MORE of... God, at least two weeks more...

there's no way I'm going to sleep tonight. So don't even try to tell me... God, we still have three whole scenes without props. Even after I've sculpted the things, I'll need to wait for the paper mache to dry and THEN for the paint to dry.

No, no, no, Jess: Tonight, I don't go to sleep. Tomorrow night, after arrival day, after we do the play, after the parents are duly impressed, after BOSS is duly impressed... tomorrow night, I'll sleep. That's only-- what-- four days without sleep? If I see more things, more bodies, well... I won't be driving between now and the campers leaving... so what danger could I put anybody in?

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes. If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 239: "Intuition" (dramatic, gritty, horrific)

8/25/2016

For this one, you must convince a freaked out counselor to risk a shunning by contacting the authorities.

INTUITION (any gender mid teens to early twenties)

Shane thinks we can find the kid by ourselves. Like the kid's just hiding behind the trees or something. Shane doesn't want to have to write up a camper incident report. I don't know what the big deal is about that.

But this kid? Disappearing? That IS a big deal. I disagree with Shane. I don't think you're overreacting. I think that kid is in serious trouble out there, tonight. Or he could be, if we don't get Boss and the local authorities in on this.

Look Iris, I know you freak out sometimes. I've seen bits and pieces of it during the whole camp session. Behind your eyes. I... I watch you sometimes. Not like obsessed... Jesus, not that. But I... I find you... interesting? Interesting in the GOOD way. In the good way. Okay?

I've never met anyone like you. I think you probably have... a good intuition. And if YOU think a camper's in danger, if YOU think something is out there in those woods, or maybe there's just something strange in the air here at camp... I'm with YOU. Because I trust you. I think you're... I think you're amazing.

I do.

I wish I had told you, before. I know I barely talked to you, before. I know that Shane has been putting the moves on you, I know how it can seem important to be cool in the eyes of someone like Shane. But Iris... Shane doesn't know shit. I've been watching Shane too. You're so much better than that. You're worth so much more than that. Shane doesn't get you... doesn't get people like us. Shane doesn't understand how seriously messed up this disappearance is. How messed up it could get if we don't go tell Boss.

I'm sorry it took a crisis for me to tell you... to tell you how much... well, how I sorta feel about you.

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 238: "Eggony" (comedic, gritty, fantastical)

8/24/2016

For this one, you must save the life of a new cook by give the correct instructions for boiling an egg.

EGGONY (any gender, mid teens through late life)

He hasn't polished his armor. Good. That gives us at least until noon. Now, I'm the only one who can dry the fish fast enough. That means you will have to boil the eggs. It's very important that you do it correctly--

Oh, I say.

I SAY!

Don't roll your eyes at me. Those eyes will roll out of your head if you boil the egg wrong. Sir Barebik the Basher? Your new master? Ever wonder how he got his name? Because he likes to bash the skulls of his servants when he's frustrated. And nothing-- NOTHING frustrates him more than a hard boiled egg with sticky skin. He sobs about little cuts on his fingers from trying to peel the things. Tiny pieces of shell cling like sand and he WAILS when he crunches down on them. Then he bashes the cook's head in.

Yet he insists that we pack him salted fish and hard boiled eggs. They travel well. Alright, fine. But if you want to keep your brains on the insides of your ears, listen carefully:

First:

Set the water to a boil. Make sure the water level is just a little lower than the eggs-- WAIT. No. Make sure it's just a little higher. Yes.

Next, find the oldest eggs in the pantry. Not the rotted ones just the oldest ones. They'll be in the back... wait... no: They'll be in the front. We rotate them. Alright.

Put the eggs in the water before boiling. Or is it during the boil? Yes: During the boil, but handle them carefully so they don't burst in the water. Oh! And before that, put in the salt! Salt and powder. And vinegar. No! Wait, powder and vinegar might make an explosion. Just salt and vinegar.

Now, count to the number eight hundred. No more, no less. Let nothing distract you, save the bursting of an egg in which case you need to start over.

After six hundred, plunge the eggs into cold river water. OH NO! You'll need the cold river water. Alright, you can get that while counting to six hundred. You can get to the river and back in that time, can't you? Carrying water might slow you down but-- you can do it. I'm sure.

Now plunge the eggs into the cold river water. The eggs will warm the water so... that's right... so you'll need another bucket. Two buckets of cold river water.

Leave the eggs in the second bucket and count to three hundred, no more, no less... or is it count to thirty? Well, use your best judgement.

And be sure to test at least one or two of the eggs before giving them to Sir Barebik. In fact you may want to try the whole batch just as practice. Yes. Do that. But leave some old eggs too. Go, go, GO!

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 237: "Behind the Trees" (dramatic, horrific)

8/23/2016

For this one: You must convince a young camper to help you play an aggressive prank.

BEHIND THE TREES (any gender, mid teens through early twenties)

You are SO awesome for doing this, Johnny. Just don't tell any of the other campers, right? Dining hall? Free time? Cleanup time? Not a word, okay? Nothing until the campfire is over.

Okay, so: review... When the counselors are speaking... I go first.... Shane goes next and Iris goes last. It's when Iris is giving her speech:

I'm going to toss the powder onto the fire. The fire turns color for a second and gives a big WOOSH. Just for a second though, right? So, Johnny: you've got maybe five seconds to book it across the meadow and behind the trees. Everybody's going to be screaming and laughing... except Iris... but anyway... you won't be noticed with all that noise and fluttering about. Go behind the trees. Your costume is under the treehouse.

I send Iris to search for you and when you hear the footsteps, jump right out and make that goat sound!

She's going to scream her head off. But, like, don't worry. That's going to be good for her.

It'll actually make her laugh. I promise... I... okay, you've got to promise not to tell anyone I told you this because this is like, adult kinda stuff but Iris... she's really good at what she does, okay? She's really cool. I like her. I do. But she's kinda... she's uptight. Never raises her voice, always has that mellow smile. I know that to you and the rest of the campers, that seems like she's just calm and happy... but trust me, when you get older, you see through that really easy. It's kind of a wall she's got around herself.

You're going to break that wall. That'll be how you can be a supportive member of the community... and all that. Right?

Awesome.

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes. If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 236: "Six Word Monologue II"

8/22/2016

For this one, you have six words to convince a criminal that they are insane.

SIX WORD MONOLOGUE II (any gender, mid teens through late life)

It was me.

I am you.

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

TYPES

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Author

Artistic Director Matt Haynes presents a new short monologue every day, 2016. The majority of these are gender-flexible and usable for teenagers on up. Feel free to grab any of these for your audition... or just to perform for fun. If you need to trim the beginnings or endings for time, go ahead, but please do not alter the text itself.

Hey! Also, if you end up using one of these, drop Matt a line. We're hoping to track the spreading of our work! pulpstagematt@gmail.com

Let's have some fun!