Matt's Monoblog

Monologue 91: "Proposal 1" ( comedic , fantastical )

3/31/2016

For this one: You must propose marriage and convince your beloved to not include their clones.

PROPOSAL 1 (any gender, early twenties to late life)

Shiloh, you have made these last three years the happiest of my life. I can only imagine the future getting better and better with you. I know I don't commit to things easily but I am ready to ask you the big question: Shiloh Smith, would you maaaaaybe leave behind Shiloh Smith B and Shiloh Smith C?

I know you identify with them since they're your clones-- sorry, sorry-- your "other selves." And I love them as well, of course. Of course. I mean, I love everything about YOU so I guess it only makes sense the I love all yous-- huh, I never thought that could be grammatically correct. Ha!

Anyway, Shiloh, I love every permutation of you but there ARE practical things that have made life a bit... tricky. When you take Shiloh B with us on a date, you're always getting criticized-- and I really can't stand it when both B and C are invited to join us for a menage-a-whatever-comes-after-trois... because I really can't keep up with everyone's demands and Shiloh C is always making fun of the look on my face when I-- well... you know but--

Oh, Shiloh. All I mean to say... all I mean to ASK is: May I have just ONE of your hands in marriage?

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 90: "Demons" ( gritty , dramatic )

3/30/2016

For this one: You must get an honest commitment from a young assassin.

DEMONS (any gender, early thirties to late life)

So: Thank you for coming over. It's a big day for you, I know. And I want you to know Barry... Barry you can still walk away. Right back out the door and nothing will happen to you.

I want you to really think about that.

Because if you decide to join up, there's no going back. You will be a different person. Literally. It will start two minutes from now.

You notice it's a bit warm in here? The next room is the kitchen and in the kitchen is an empty skillet that has been sitting on high heat for the last hour. If you decide to join up, you are required to go to that skillet... and fry each of your fingers until your prints are gone.

And you probably heard about that part. Work for us, you need to be untraceable. Hurts like hell at first, then you get to have your fun as globe-trotting super-spy gangster- blah-blah.

Let me tell you what happens when you put your first finger to the skillet. All the nerves in your body give birth to a screaming demon baby. Multiply that by ten. Each finger is a screaming demon that's going to hang on for at least three days. The pain goes away? True but that's actually the bad news. Because it just makes room for more demons, even bigger ones. You are entering a realm full of surprises and terrors like you've never known. The things you will have to do for us...

And you know what? There IS a lot of fun to be had. But the person having that fun will no longer be you.

Yes or no. You have five seconds.

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 89: "Robots" ( comedic , fantastical)

3/29/2016

For this one: You must keep your mission safe by getting the perfect robot from a young clerk.

ROBOTS (any gender, mid twenties to late life)

I'll tell you right off, I don't need anything fancy. Okay? Don't try to push the fancy high priced stuff on me. Just the basics. I've never rented a robot before and programing, it doesn't come naturally to me. And DON'T tell me that you all make it easy. You don't know how I am with gadgets. Programing? I can barely program a microwave.

So, something simple.

But not that one, it looks like a stack of metal boxes. I get into trouble, if pirates come aboard my ship what's THAT thing going to do? Wobble in front of me so, like, only SEVENTY percent of my body is a target? No wobbly box robots. No.

I need something that is combat ready. But simple. SIMPLE.

Not that one. I don't need a set of guns mounted on a drone. Pirates come aboard my ship, what are they going to shoot at first? The guns. I need something that can conceal weapons. My old partner was really good about that. But he's got the flu. He can't go on this mission. So, okay, no junk pile and no visible guns.

But for God's sake, no human dimensions! So none of those models over there. They give me the creeps. I don't care if they're simple, they don't look right- it's in the eyes. I don't want to spend three months with something that looks like a person without a soul. Blech! But nothing too sophisticated either, I keep telling you-... you.

Hey, what do they pay you in this shack? You seem smart, seem to be in decent shape and I can promise you ten grand plus a bonus if you go on this mission with me. I'll teach you real fast, too, I'm a good teacher, just a lousy programer- wait a sec, you ARE human, aren't you?

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 88: "Just Saying" ( dramatic , gritty )

3/28/2016

For this one: You must scare a blogging classmate into shutting up about you.

JUST SAYING (any gender, late teens through early twenties)

Hey, Jerry, Jerry, you don't have run away, okay? I'm not mad.

Jerry?

Yeah... I'm not mad. Really. I mean, hey, I'm a political science major. I should get used to being slammed. You wanna slam me on your blog, that's fine. That's. Fine. That's your freedom of speech, right? Yeah...

I'm only a little concerned about your tone. Because the way you describe me, you're describing me as one of the "mosquitoes"-- that is the word you used right? -- me and all the rest of the... "whining blood suckers that need to be cleared out."

So, I just think, "well, what's he mean by 'cleared out'"? And it's talking about killing or it could sound like that, you know? Yeah...

And again, it's your freedom of speech but I'm a little concerned for you Jerry because campus now has a new kind of freedom of self-defense, you know, people can have hand guns in classrooms, just in case there's another... yeah.

So, I think about that and I think about you and how you don't seem to have a lot of friends on campus and you wear that army jacket and those combat boots and I'm just concerned because it SEEMS like with all the violent language on your blog, you MAY BE giving off the impression of someone, forgive me, someone similar... to a school shooter.

And the other students with guns might start picking up on that and I wouldn't want you to feel at risk every time you reach into your pocket or you backpack or if you want to keep drawing attention to yourself with the BLOG...

I mean, no big thing, I'm just saying. I'm just. Saying. Right? That's just me exercising MY freedom of speech, right? Yeah...

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 87: "Vortex" ( comedic , fantastical )

3/27/2016

For this one: In an attempt to save the world, you must convince a counter worker to give you free bagels.

VORTEX (any gender, early twenties to late life)

Hang on dude, I'm not asking for a bag of day-old leftovers. I am asking for the stuff on your display case. The stuff you plan to be serving people today. What the hell kinda good am I doing the world if I'm eating the day-olds? Nobody wants that crap. I am here to intercept what people ARE going to eat.

Look: You're a kid. You just work the counter, you're just doing your job, I get it. But you should know what you are unleashing onto the world every day. Every person you serve, they're not getting food, they are getting a vortex! And it's sucking them into alternate dimensions without their knowing it.

Have you looked up the history of your product? Goes all the way back to ancient times. They say it's the Jews, but I don't go for that. I don't think they're any more responsible for this than the Brits were for Stonehenge. There was another force at work. Never before had there been an form of food crafted to have just an empty hole in the middle. And for good reason. It's counter-intuitive. The bagel was created as a vortex!

I know what you're going to tell me, "hey, when I, like, look through the hole of a bagel, I just like see, like, the real world on the other side."

And you would be right. Only it's an ALTERNATE reality.

When you bite into a bagel and break the ring, the hole opens up and BOOM you're in the alternate reality. Everything is the same... except just a little crappier. And it just gets crappier the more bagels you eat.

World, after world, after world.

I'm living proof, I've been eating bagels my whole crappy life.

But it's now my sacrifice.

What I'm here to do today is intercept. I'm going to eat the bagels before the other customers do. I don't charge for my service, I just ask that you don't charge me. And if you have the heart for it, I appreciate some harm reduction. Things that cover the hole... they make it a little less powerful. Some egg, sausage, whatever you got. Or just an extra heavy spread of cream cheese?

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 86: "Goodbye" ( fantastical , dramatic , horrific )

3/26/2016

For this one: You must persuade your master to share a bloody image of enslavement.

GOODBYE ( any gender, late life )

You need to transmit what you see or I will finish myself off.

Earth needs to return to its older ways. Baynah, it is time for you and your race to leave. Find another planet. Find a form of food that doesn't suffer as we do.

I will miss you. You and I, Baynah, we've almost grown up together, haven't we? I barely feel like a pet, I feel more like-- well, I know the concept of a sibling is different to you than it is to me, but that's the only word I can use: Siblings, we've been like siblings.

Your family has been so good to me... I never really thought about the food processing plants. But I'm coming of age, aren't I? I'm looking up old high school classmates on the internet and I'm seeing them cuddling new grandchildren and I'm seeing their wrinkles and their gray hair... and I'm seeing them labeled for food assignment. And I see myself.

Baynah, I'm sure your family would never send me off to the processing plants. But this cannot go on any longer. You have the gift to transmit your experience to all the others in your race. I want you to share this image with everyone: Me without my arm, all the blood on your living room floor. To turn an elderly human into presentable food you have to remove the human looking features. That's reality.

The other Darmenoids need to share your horror. If you don't transmit, if you don't share, I'll start in on my legs. Then on my neck, if I'm not dead yet.

I love you Baynah. And one way or another we need to say goodbye.

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 85: "Go" ( dramatic )

3/25/2016

For this one: Separating yourself from a toxic group of co-workers, you must sever ties with your last ally.
Matt's note: This one is intended to be part of a summer camp horror play.

GO (any gender, mid teens to mid twenties)

Tracey, no.

I need to be alone. It's a private call. East coast, I wanna make sure I get Jordan before bed. Jordan's a night owl but it's going on 1am there.

I need to talk to someone. Not you. Not now. I don't need you coming over and giving me another one of your pep talks: "Aw, Cameron, those guys aren't really that bad, if you just get to know them a little better."

I don't want to get to know them better. I gave it my best shot tonight and they humiliated me. They don't like me, Tracey. They don't like me because I don't like them... why hide it? They spend all day lounging around, teaching the campers absolutely nothing, then they get together at night, get drunk and trash our boss. Why? Because he thinks they could do better and tells them that? Oooo the nerve! God, if I were in charge would have fired everyone by now- no.

Not you Tracey. I'm sorry. No. Look at me.You're a talented teacher, a talented counselor, I love y- I love working with you.

And I'm can say that without any effort, I'm not pretending to be positive. When we're co-teaching, it's like I'm not even working. It's like we're- but forget it. Really.

I'm not going to drag you down, Tracey. You deserve to have a good summer. Have your friends. Have fun. I need to take care of myself. I'm going to call someone who probably won't make me feel like a jerk for wanting out of here. So go, okay? I'm letting you go. Just GO.

[pause]

Tracey, for God's sake, what is it?

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 84: "Kiss" ( dramatic , comedic )

3/24/2016

For this one: You must romantically win over a co-counselor.
Matt's note: This one is intended to be part of a summer camp horror play.

KISS (any gender, mid-teens to early twenties)

Kiss me, Cameron. Don't call Jordan. Just put down the phone, come over here and kiss me. Yes.

Before you left for camp, you and Jordan had been going out for three weeks, right? You and I have been working together three weeks. Which three weeks was more full? How much time did you really spend with Jordan?

Camp does something strange. Time gets like sped up, no-- I mean-- it gets condensed. Concentrated. We've seen each other at our best and our worst. Us co-teaching the younger kids, Cameron, we've been working together so well, like really great paren-- buuut wait, wait, wait, I'm not suggesting we're destined to have k--

But... yeah... camp does something strange. Don't make the call. I know we're not supposed to have, like, romantic relationships here but you DO know that even Stan and Stephanie got together back when THEY were counselors. They ended up staying together for the rest of high school, college, got married-- I'm not saying we're destined to be m-- and yeah, I guess things didn't end up so well for Stan and Stephanie, but, but--

God, I'm a dork. I really thought I had this speech down-- yeah I was rehearsing this. I even stole the idea from that old movie "It's a Wonderful Life." She's talking to her boyfriend on the phone but you can tell that Jimmy Stewart loves her and they end up-- well, anyway, I could show you the scene, hell, maybe we could watch the movie on our anniversar--ooooo... nooo. Sorry, sorry. I'm a dork.

But could you put down the phone, Cameron? For a second? Could I just kiss you and then get out of here? I'm a good kisser and...hey, I even brushed my teeth.

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 83: "The Finder" ( dramatic , gritty , fantastical )

3/23/2016

For this one: You must convince a friend to give you the equivalent of a lobotomy.

THE FINDER (any gender, late twenties to late life)

I want you to get it out of me. Here. Now.

I know you have the tools. It's just something in my brain, Charlie. You're the country's number one brain surgeon, you can find the part of my brain that's making... you know that gives me this ability, this power, whatever they call it.

We've been friends all our lives so I know you don't believe in magic. Neither do I. Whatever gives me the ability to read people, to find people, to hurt people, it's got to be something PHYSICAL in my head.

Our country is under attack again. You know what that means, right? In about an hour, there's going to be men in suits taking me away. And it'll start all over again. I'll have to find people, I'll have to make people suffer... I'll be up on magazine covers again. And millions of people will be saying... "Chris is an angel." And millions more will be saying "Chris is a devil." And I'll be feeling the feelings of every one of those people!

You know my nickname right? The Water Finder. I googled that term last night. My name came up several times but when I scrolled down, I got to "Water Finding Stick" and then "Water Finding Paste"... PASTE! I didn't even know that water finding paste exisited... I guess you put it on a rod and probe machinery for water damage?

And you know what?

There wasn't a single negative customer review. "Water Finding Paste." It just does what it does, no more, no less.

It's. Just. A helpful. Thing.

I'd like to live like that. Charlie can you be a friend one last time?

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

Monologue 82: "Texting" ( comedic , gritty )

3/22/2016

For this one: You must persuade a dying murder victim to send a text for you.

TEXTING (any gender, early twenties to late fifties)

Oh crap, that's right.

Crap, crap, CRAP!

CRAAAAP!

Okay listen. That sound on the phone? That's a text. Why would I set the alert as doom cords? Because that means it's mom & dad. I'm supposed to show off the apartment this afternoon. They're probably downstairs.

As we both can see, the apartment is not really presentable, is it? I need YOU to text them back for me. They don't do phone calls anymore, they only text, how ironic is that? And my hands are shaking too badly to be any use for texting.

Shaking. Funny huh?

The whole time I prep and serve you a poison martini, I didn't tremble once. But my parents show up downstairs and I'm shaking like a leaf. Probably tells you something about my upbringing, why I kill people, huh? Whatever. Our secret.

And it can be OUR secret if you text them for me. I'll tell you what to type, the excuse and all that... and then you can go free. I've got the antidote and you still have about three minutes. You text my parents, I give you the antidote, you walk out of here... I won't even make you clean up your blood or vomit, any of it.

You just need to- crap... you DO know how to text, don't you?

Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"

TYPES

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Author

Artistic Director Matt Haynes presents a new short monologue every day, 2016. The majority of these are gender-flexible and usable for teenagers on up. Feel free to grab any of these for your audition... or just to perform for fun. If you need to trim the beginnings or endings for time, go ahead, but please do not alter the text itself.

Hey! Also, if you end up using one of these, drop Matt a line. We're hoping to track the spreading of our work! pulpstagematt@gmail.com

Let's have some fun!