For this one, you must save the life of a new cook by give the correct instructions for boiling an egg.
EGGONY (any gender, mid teens through late life)
He hasn't polished his armor. Good. That gives us at least until noon. Now, I'm the only one who can dry the fish fast enough. That means you will have to boil the eggs. It's very important that you do it correctly--
Oh, I say.
Don't roll your eyes at me. Those eyes will roll out of your head if you boil the egg wrong. Sir Barebik the Basher? Your new master? Ever wonder how he got his name? Because he likes to bash the skulls of his servants when he's frustrated. And nothing-- NOTHING frustrates him more than a hard boiled egg with sticky skin. He sobs about little cuts on his fingers from trying to peel the things. Tiny pieces of shell cling like sand and he WAILS when he crunches down on them. Then he bashes the cook's head in.
Yet he insists that we pack him salted fish and hard boiled eggs. They travel well. Alright, fine. But if you want to keep your brains on the insides of your ears, listen carefully:
Set the water to a boil. Make sure the water level is just a little lower than the eggs-- WAIT. No. Make sure it's just a little higher. Yes.
Next, find the oldest eggs in the pantry. Not the rotted ones just the oldest ones. They'll be in the back... wait... no: They'll be in the front. We rotate them. Alright.
Put the eggs in the water before boiling. Or is it during the boil? Yes: During the boil, but handle them carefully so they don't burst in the water. Oh! And before that, put in the salt! Salt and powder. And vinegar. No! Wait, powder and vinegar might make an explosion. Just salt and vinegar.
Now, count to the number eight hundred. No more, no less. Let nothing distract you, save the bursting of an egg in which case you need to start over.
After six hundred, plunge the eggs into cold river water. OH NO! You'll need the cold river water. Alright, you can get that while counting to six hundred. You can get to the river and back in that time, can't you? Carrying water might slow you down but-- you can do it. I'm sure.
Now plunge the eggs into the cold river water. The eggs will warm the water so... that's right... so you'll need another bucket. Two buckets of cold river water.
Leave the eggs in the second bucket and count to three hundred, no more, no less... or is it count to thirty? Well, use your best judgement.
And be sure to test at least one or two of the eggs before giving them to Sir Barebik. In fact you may want to try the whole batch just as practice. Yes. Do that. But leave some old eggs too. Go, go, GO!
Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"