ITEM RETURN (any gender, late twenties to late life)
[to focal point #1]
Take this down very carefully, and very clearly, Nigel. I'm not sure how literate the keeper is. I want as much of this to get through to him as possible. You may want to use a bigger quill. We'll make this something a child could read. Now then:
[to focal point #2]
Good sir: This is your client from the castle of Kent. We wish to return the drag--
[to focal point #1]
No, scratch that
[to focal point #2]
We demand that YOU pick up YOUR dragon and give us full reimbursement
[to focal point #1]
No, scratch the word "reimbursement", it might be too challenging a word for him.
[to focal point #2]
You must pick up your dragon and give us back our gold. We bought this dragon to guard our castle.
We bought this dragon to kill or at least scare off enemies.
This dragon is... not doing a good job.
The dragon only breathes fire when singing.
The singing happens at night so the fire attracts visitors.
The dragon is not scaring away the visitors.
The dragon is letting the visitors pet him.
The dragon wags its tail while being petted and this has broken our front gate.
If you do not pick up your dragon by Wednesday of next week, we will slay the dragon then take back our gold--
[to focal point #1]
Oh Nigel, don't cry. You're going to stain the letter. We want this to be a clear warning, a CLEAR--
listen, I don't like the idea of killing Bo-Bo any more than you do.I shouldn't have let you name the beast, that was my second mistake in this whole purchase.
Nigel, someday you'll understand: Part of keeping peace is holding true to our threats. We need a threatening proposition to the charlatan who sold us this overgrown puppy dog. We need-- well, there it is, then. Take the quill back up. Go on, now.
[to focal point #2]
If you do not pick up your dragon by Sunday of next week, we will slay the dragon but FIRST, my knights will find you and chain you behind the dragon's tail. We will all take turns petting and tickling the dragon until you are whacked into mincemeat.
[to focal point #1]
Then we don't actually have to kill Bo-Bo afterward, do we, Nigel? But I hold you responsible, if we keep the beast. He has to be at least A LITTLE more menacing. Maybe if you could teach him to sing off key?
Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes. If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"