For this one, you must protect yourself from getting scalded by holy water.
THE WATER (any gender, early twenties through late life)
Please. Put down the holy water. You're angry. I see that. I'm willing to talk this out.
Can you please put the bottle down? It stings my eyes to even look at it, this close. No? Can you at least cap the bottle? Holy water fumes burn my nose. And I can see that you don't want to splash me with that stuff. I see your hand shaking, I see tears in your eyes.
Look: I've been selfish, okay? If we can start over, I'm willing to give you more flexibility. You want to get up later in the morning? Okay. It kinda disturbs my sleep, but... okay. That's fair. You want to start eating Italian food again? Okay. As long as you're willing to rinse the garlic off your breath, alright? And the biting... if you say your blood supply can't take the amount I want... fine. There's still a part of me that believes this is really an intimacy issue for you but... it's fine.
I only ask a couple of things in return, alright? First- hey. Wait, wait, wait. Put the cap back on. Back ON. Please. I know I've been selfish, I've asked for a lot in our relationship but I do think I'm entitled to my share of negotiating here. We're different but we're equals. Right? RIGHT? So all I want from YOU is... NO! If you splash me with that shit, I swear- I'll...
But actually? Ha. I don't have to anything. Okay, splash me. Burn me. Mark me. And then you'll see just what cute piece of magic happens when a half blood splashes a full blood!
Ha. Ooooops. I guess you know now. That's right, babe. You're now a half-blood. You have been for about a month. Hence your burning hand and watery eyes when holding that bottle. So how 'bout you save us both some. Put the bottle down and let's call Dr. Diaconu. He'll have some ideas; he was married for 400 years.
Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes. If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"