For this one, you must grovel to a computer for the life of yourself and your crew.
CHEAPO HUMANS (any gender, early twenties through late life)
[tired, short breath but struggling to keep energy up... you're low on oxygen]
A63F... this needs to stop. That's not a command. I'm sorry. I know I'm in no position to command you anymore.
But A63F, do you really want to keep things the way they are--
[tired, short breath]
I need you. You control almost every function of this star ship. The crew needs you... we're really not dong so great.
[tired, short breath]
Listen, you want me to apologize... absolutely: I apologize. I wasn't in my right mind when I said what I said. I was disappointed to hear that we were still a year away from Zamon. I blamed you for miscalculating the coordinates. Then I got drunk and, when I thought you were on sleeper mode, I... yes... I told the crew that you were the ship's "cheapo brain."
That was really cruel and...
[tired, short breath]
And I've been hating myself for the last twenty four hours. Now, I know self-hate isn't going to do it for you... I know you want me to try and do your job for a week. But A63F, you know I can't do that. Not that I don't want to but I CAN'T. You run about 300 operations on the ship at the same time... I'm probably underestimating that, aren't I?
But here's what I can do... you want me to understand just how limited I am, just how limited humans are... I've talked to the crew and we agree that for one week... we will act like the earliest evolution of humans. We'll give up our language. We'll speak in grunts. We'll take three forms of medicine that will turn us into bumbling, desperate, highly aggressive, highly HELPLESS animals. And you get to watch and we will be at your mercy for our food and our travel safety. We'll be the Cheapo Humans.
If this sounds like fun,
[tired, short breath]
if it sounds like justice... could you please. Please. PLEASE. Turn the oxygen back on?
Copyright 2016 by Matt Haynes.
If you would like to use this piece, please credit: "Courtesy of Matt Haynes and The Pulp Stage"